Lights, Camera, Redaction!

Casting a Trump Administration movie would be too much fun

I recently saw The Apprentice, a pretty good movie about Donald Trump's early adulthood and his relationship with his mentor, sleazeball lawyer Roy Cohn. Sebastian Stan was great as a young Trump, as was Jeremy Strong as Cohn. (More on Cohn in a bit.)

The movie was dramatic, with barely any comedic relief. It made me wonder what a movie about the current Trump Administration would look like. It would have to be a comedy, because real-life has already been so much of a tragedy under this guy. You have to laugh to keep from crying.

So let’s think about what a Trump movie would look like. If it’s a comedy, the script would be easy—you have six years of quotes (so far). But getting the cast right is critical.

Fortunately, I have some ideas.

Pete Hegseth

Given his penchant for getting hammered, the role needs to go to a drunken David Hasselhoff eating a cheeseburger while lying on the floor. I’m sure they could get the ‘hoff a peel-on Crusader’s Cross tattoo.

J.D. Vance

Trump’s VP came to fame in part as a result of his book Hillbilly Elegy, so it makes sense for him to be played by another fake hillbilly who is rich AF: Jethro from The Beverly Hillbillies!

Kash Patel

I have trouble looking at Kash Patel without feeling like I’m being hypnotized. I think he should be played by Marty Feldman.

(Yeah, Feldman is dead, but surely someone is keeping his brain alive in a jar marked Abby Normal. IYKYK.)

Kristi Noem

Gone but not forgotten, Kristi is the epitome of “Mar-a-Lago” face, and so she should be played by Katherine Helmond with the same make-up job she had in Brazil. (Yeah, Katherine is no longer with us either, but she was the OG of de-aging.)

Stephen Miller

When I think of this guy, the first thought that comes to mind is, “What a little man.” He’s Trump’s Mini-Me.

Marco Rubio

Those are some pretty big shoes to fill, aren’t they?

Eric Trump

Can’t you just see him ordering pizza delivery to his high school class?

Donald Trump, Jr.

Sorry, Junior, you’re going to have to share Jethro with J.D. Vance. You have a lot in common with him: nobody in the world wants you to be president, ever.

RFK Jr.

This was a toughie. How could we find someone so sunburnt? Let’s start with the fact that most of the Kennedy Clan views him as two-faced.

Sorry, just not red enough. Try again.

Strangely, if he were still around, casting directors could do much worse than Trump’s sleazeball mentor, Roy Cohn.

Pam Bondi

Apparently, “Self-Destructive Barbie” is a thing in the meme-verse, but she’s not real. (Or is she?) Amber Heard would be better: nice to look at, but highly likely to poop on your bed.

AND FINALLY…

Donald J. Trump

Ah, so many options, so little time. I’d hate to suggest just one.

Dolph Lundgren could do a good job. The part that makes it unbelievable is that Dolph Lundgren is actually a very smart guy. Due in part to his “I must break you” delivery in Rocky IV, most people don’t know he was a Fulbright Scholar with a Master’s in Chemical Engineering from MIT. Way to go, Drago!

On the other hand, that role in Rocky IV does provide a Russian connection, and…well, we always wonder about a Russian connection.

But in case Lundgren is busy filming Rocky XVII, there are other options.

For example, there’s Damien from The Omen.

C’mon—don’t tell me you haven’t wondered if that extreme combover is covering up a 666.

But surely there’s one actor who’s available.

Give it to Gary Busey! You can see him as Eric’s father, right?

So now that it’s cast, I can think of only one way that I’d watch this movie—the same way that I’d watch Melania.

Quite the Horror Show. IYKYK.